it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
