You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
