We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can't talk, ducks in the car
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
