fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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