alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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