Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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