I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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