so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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