highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
