I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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