you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Randomize
