I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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