I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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