I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
