Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
