Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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