I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Are we still banned from the library?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
