Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
how do you play pong handcuffed?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
