I could make wine with my vomit
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
