Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
