After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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