woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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