Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
