Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
