I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
