I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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