I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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