Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
