When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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