I faked an abortion last night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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