hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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