We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How does one acquire holy water?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
