Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
