Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
