I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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