So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
