Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
