I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
