At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
