I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
