I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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