i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
