I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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