Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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