I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
