I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
