oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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