Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
