Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Cover your peen. We're going out.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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