Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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