apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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