I think i peed on brittanys purse
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think i have two assholes
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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