I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
