I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
