you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
